Jump

I did it, I jumped. I’ve officially started a new chapter of my life. Though I’ve only been in my townhouse for a few days, sometimes I still can’t believe it because reality hasn’t sunk in yet. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’ll be okay living in pure bliss until the reality of my past catches up with me. It might take weeks, months, years…or maybe it’ll never catch up with me. One thing is for sure, I’ve blocked the memories of the past eight years out of my mind completely. Whenever I start to reminisce on the past, I remind myself very quickly that it was all just a perfect illusion.

Some say I wasn’t ready for marriage and maybe I wasn’t, but tell me; who really is? Is anyone ever really…ready for anything? I can’t tell you a time where I’ve ever felt “ready” for something, I think most of our lives are a series of small jumps, I don’t think we are ever ready for anything that life has in store for us, we simply just jump, because it feels right not necessarily because we’re “ready.” See the problem is, we “think” we’re ready. Patience is a virtue and I’ve come to find it’s a virtue that very few poses. Here’s what I will say, I wanted to get married, I wanted someone to grow old with, I wanted a lot of things that came with marriage, but God had other plans for me.

Marriage isn’t easy, relationships aren’t easy…nothing is easy, all you can really do is try. Well folks, I tried and when my marriage failed, I had two options. I could continue to lay on my kitchen floor throwing up and sobbing to the point of exhaustion and pain, or I could get up. Well, I got up. I got up and realized that this was God’s way of telling me that he had something better for me.

It’s no secret that I’ve always been infatuated with the idea of moving away from home, chasing my dreams, and exploring. However, the day I got engaged I realized that maybe what I wanted wasn’t right for me. That my dreams weren’t meant for me. Maybe I was meant to be a house wife, raise children, live on a farm. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, I know, it sounds so cliché. It only took me one year of being married to realize that this marriage I had entered, was over long before it started and when I figured it out, I knew it was time to jump. This was it.

Was I ready? No, but what I did know is that if I didn’t do this now…I probably never would. I knew that if I stayed in my hometown I would never reach my full potential. I hate to sound over confident, but I just had this feeling inside of me, this voice in my head…it kept telling me to go. The days leading up to my move were extremely difficult, It was so hard to tell anyone that I was in-fact moving. I think deep down everyone close to me knew that I wasn’t going to stay, they knew I was going…I just hadn’t convinced myself I could do it yet.

Despite the circumstances, I still managed to see the positives. I knew that there were far better things ahead of me than anything I was going to leave behind. I tried to spread my positivity, not only to enlighten others in general, but to reassure my family that I was going to be okay; to reassure myself I was going to be okay. Amid me spreading positivity, I was conveying a different message, that this time is easy. Let me clarify things, this is not easy by any means. I lost so many people that I thought loved me; left me heartbroken. I had to let go of what I thought my future was. I lost a lot, but no one wants to hear about that…no one wants to hear anyone complain. That is why I chose to stay positive.

“Are you lonely?” I get this question a lot, and I’ve only been in my house for five days. I have two roommates and Josie. I’ve always got someone to reach out too. However, I’ve spent much of my life wanting to be around people and not wanting to be alone. For the first time in my entire life, I want to be alone. I want to use this time to find myself and fall back in love with myself. I could go out and make friends, I’m just not ready yet. The most important relationship in my life should be the relationship with myself. If I can’t be happy in solidarity, I’ll never be happy with others. I used to think the worst thing in life was to be alone, I’ve realized that the worst things it to be around people who make you feel alone. Self-love is so incredibly important. Last night when I was still awake at four a.m., because my mind just couldn’t stop…who was there for me? Me. I was there for me. I yet again picked myself up and found the strength to get up, clear my mind and get back to bed. At the end of the day I’m all I’ve got.

Buddha once said, “if you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” I realize now that people who do not love themselves cannot possibly love anyone else, this; therefore, self-love is important.

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