Ever had someone waltz into your life completely unexpectedly? It wasn’t that easy but man was he persistent. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him at first, but now that I can see more clearly, I want nothing but him and guess what? He doesn’t want me. Ah the chase. Maybe he does want me, actually I know he wants me, he just doesn’t want me in the same way that I want him to want me. Super complicated right? I thought I knew what I wanted, the truth is I don’t think any of us know what we really want. We just assume we know and we know what happens with assumptions.
I thought I wanted a relationship, I wanted something stable, something I could rely on. It never occurred to me that I could have something stable and something I could rely on without anyone else. I had to channel these feelings and be patient with him because we all know you can’t rush a good thing. What fun is it, getting to the finish line? It should be about the destination, but on the journey.
I spent days, weeks trying to figure out how to manage these feelings, I decided to dump them into something that didn’t have the power to potentially crush me. I decided to open a business. I had found that I was so unbelievably at peace with myself when I was dumping my emotions into art. Because truth be told, I’m terrified of falling in love again. People as me all the time why I’m so afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid because I don’t want to fall so insanely hard for a person only for them to leave me like I never meant a damn thing. I’m afraid that no matter how many sweet things I say or do, it just wont be good enough. I’m afraid that after kissing me goodbye they’re going to kiss someone else hello. I’m afraid of falling deeper in love with someone everyday while they’re falling out of love everyday. I’m afraid to deal with the countless nights of crying and endless questions wondering where everything went wrong. I’m so terrified of the concept of love but no matter how great my fear is I always let myself fall, I fall every damn time. So before you “date” me you need to understand that I am damaged. I get triggered easily and I have struggled with things you wouldn’t even believe. There are nights when I’m curled up in a ball on the floor and won’t talk to anyone. I’ll shut you out. I’m not going to be able to trust you for a while, because everyone has always left, cheated, or chosen someone else. I will need reassurance. I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I’ll need you to care when I text you saying I’m getting bad again. I’m a lot, I know this. So before you think I’m always happy, that I’ll always be positive, that I’ll always be smiling – know the reality before you get involved. Don’t enter my life if you can’t handle it. Lastly, don’t you dare touch my heart if you aren’t ready for that.
Despite my feelings towards love and the comments, questions and concerns for me starting my own business, understand that this is for me. I’ve learned to pay attention to the things I am naturally drawn to, they are often connected to your path, passion, and purpose in life. I needed this. SO before you for your own opinions about what I do with my spare time, understand that you don’t understand and that it’s not your job to understand. Just know that in the chaos, I found creativity.