Blog Posts, LIFE

Attachment & Addiction

Attached. Stuck like glue, white on rice, you know what I’m talking about. Attachment is just a passive aggressive term for addicted. I guess it sounds better when we say we’re attached to something instead of “addicted” to something. Attachment is just a serious as addiction and it’s just as easy to get attached as it is to get addicted.

Attached; adjective: joined, fastened, or connected to something. Full of affection or fondness.

Addicted; adjective: physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects.

Really, it’s all the same thing if you ask me.

Lately, I’ve been addicted to Dr. Pepper, and love. I’m addicted to love. That’s right, un-affectionate Jess…addicted to love. It’s funny how your outlook changes when you distance yourself from what you never knew was holding you under. I’ve been able to get out and date and experience other people and guess what? I’m addicted.

I hate when people tell me to not get attached. As if it’s really that simple…I mean it sounds simple but it’s not. Today, on the phone with a friends, she asked me if I was ok? I replied, “define okay.” I’m breathing, I’m eating, I’m moving, I guess I’m okay. But I don’t think I’m okay. I’ve been confusing love and attachment. I’m ashamed to admit it. The conversation with a friend today continued and she said, “You’re just not used to being treated well.” She hit the nail right on the head. She’s right, I’m not used to being called beautiful, sexy, smart, talented….anything.

So what happens when someone does call me these things? I get attached because I’m convinced no one else will say the same things or even mean it. It sounds so crazy but when you’re used to being treated a certain way and you’re exposed to something better, you don’t want to let it go. For me, it’s similar to drinking coffee, how am I  supposed to be satisfied with coffee made at home when I’ve tasted Starbucks? It’s impossible.

On top of getting attached easily, with that comes with sensitivity. In fact I am in my most sensitive state when I am attached to someone. Once I’m attached I can detect the slightest change of the tone in their voice and even their texts and then I’ll spend hours wondering what I did wrong. When I know, I didn’t do anything except get attached. Once I get attached to someone I do everything in my power to please them and make them happy. In fact, it’s never been about what I want, I have always put their needs before mine. I give out too many chances to people who quiet frankly don’t deserve them. They take advantage of me, and I become a pushover. But I’m okay with that because they’re in my life and that’s all I’ve wanted. And even when they screw me over, because they will; I’ll still be there for them. Because that’s who I am. Once I get attached to someone, they capture my heart and they’ll always have a place there. And this is why it’s so hard for me to let go.

 

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